SPH: Hello! Welcome to the suicide promotion hotline. How can we help you today?
Caller: Well, I’m just feeling down. I’ve been ready to end it for years and I think now is the right time.
SPH: Great! Have you considered how you intend to do it?
Caller: I hadn’t gotten that far in my thinking.
SPH: Well, what is your goal with your death? Do you have any particular political point of view you’d like to promote?
Caller: No, not really. I’ve just always thought that, by and large, if everyone does their best to do the right thing, it’ll all work out in the end. It’s not much of a slogan.
SPH: OK. Do you like pranks? Jokes?
Caller: No, not really. I’ve always been more the quiet type.
SPH: How about spite? Venom? Has someone really wronged you and you want to blow your brains all over them?
Caller: No, I don’t really associate with anyone. I’ve always been too depressed. Nobody wants to be around me for long.
SPH: I’m running out of ideas. In your own words, what is your goal here?
Caller: To not be.
SPH: Of course to not be. Even Hamlet understood that part. Your /other/ goal. The public side of it.
Caller: I don’t have a public side. That’s my problem.
SPH: Jesus you’re boring! I really think you’re too pathetic to help. There’s nothing I can do for your dumb ass. Nothing at all.
Caller: Jeez, really? I guess I won’t bother then.